well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
This can only be settled by a dance off.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
