the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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