So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
