Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
