no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize