At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
