hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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