i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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