he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
