from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
