My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
