textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
