You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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