She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
