You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
