That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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