I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize