hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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