You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
i've created a new STD.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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