I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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