I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
