You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
