you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
