Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
