Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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