Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
