and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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