Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
