Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize