I looked at my own cervix.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
