My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
