I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
