just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize