unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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