my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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