If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
