im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Randomize
