If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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