Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
