Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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