Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
