dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
