Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
