hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
