don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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