mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
