So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
