Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize