So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I need water and some morals
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
