the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
